Surrendering my Resistance

 for a Spirit of Cooperation

   I admit to being a slow learner.  If you have been following my blog you know that daily I make confession of my need to surrender.  That is why my blog is titled My Dangerous Daily Surrender!  So please don’t grow weary in the season of Surrender.  Let us take joy that in SURRENDERING ALL the SOVEREIGN GOD is in charge. Just get out of the way!

   Each blog of mine may start with a confession of sin, struggle and lack of strength to Surrender.  Back to the slow learner part; sometimes I confess and surrender the same thing time and time again.  Do you ever have to do that? I guess you could call it surrendering what you have surrendered!  I am going to call it SURRENDERING MY RESISTANCE.

   That brings me to today. I continue to share real life stories, become vulnerable, in hopes you will be touched and helped in the journey process. You may have been walking with me on this journey the last few weeks and aware of my need to surrender; my worry, fear, anxiety, pain and sadness regarding family. I am thankful that GOD is patient with me and doesn’t give up on my surrendering process.  I truly do lay it all down at HIS feet.  I hand it over and over and over again! 

   Let me be real and honest.  There is one area in my life I continue to lay down, pick up again and again. Today God revealed something very clear to me regarding RESISTANCE TO SURRENDER.  It touches the core of my heart. So here is my intimate description of my CONTROLLING HEART, SELFISH HEART.

   Very early in life I was aware that all I really wanted to do was be a Mother.  I had gifts and talents, yet I never dreamed of any career.  I believed my career was my family.  Now there is nothing wrong with that thought.  The problem was my relationship with my Mother was strained and cruel. So, I vowed to myself I would be the Mother she never was! Some 27 years later I have worked so hard to be the perfect mother I failed terribly!  I was controlling my environment (home) and the people (children), so everyone would be happy and everything would be perfect..  If I did this better than my Mother, they (the children) would love me.  I wanted to be worshiped as the great mother, and I worshiped them!  They were my value, identity and self worth.  Sadly, I now see the big jobs I place on them.

   I never understood as one daughter informed me that I was the most selfish person and that it was always about me.  Of course I was hurt and defensive with that statement.  My initial reaction was how can that be?  My entire life was about being the best mother.  How could that have been selfish?  Then it hit me, like a brick, she was right!  It was all about me.  Not really about these little precious lives.  It was all about ME being the perfect mother.  ALL THE FOCUS WAS ON ME DOING IT RIGHT.

   As the children grew and left the nest it only enhanced my loss of value and identity.  I had such guilt over the divorce and other wrong choices I felt if I was “more involved” in their lives it would make up for any earlier pain and I would be considered THE BEST MOTHER.  Once again I have been SELFISH, only thinking about me. Young lives need to feel like they are independent, finding there own way and breaking away from family.  Even if the decisions they make are wrong, then they have made them.  Then they will learn from them.  I had, (ok have) a difficult time letting them make mistakes and feeling their consequences.  I just want to rescue and fix!  That is what any “perfect” mother would do.    I just want to be this picture of Mother and Daughter relationship that I never had.  And by gosh we will have it!  DEMAND, CONTROL, SELFISH.  After all they are my identity (sick thinking)!  

   I am here to tell you controlling under the best intentions does not work. I did not do it better than my mother. I now have a broken mess that creates pain. So much pain that I can do nothing but SURRENDER. I have tried to make amends and even been controlling in that! I have no options but FAITH, BELIEVING and CONFESSING that GOD HAS A SOVEREIGN PLAN and HE restores and heals. I have only to be still, sit, and wait.  Don’t you hate when anyone tells you to wait?! I do believe this is what God asks of me, but I am IMPATIENT! I want what I want!  I want relationship with my children and grandchildren. In my impatience I RESIST TO SURRENDER! I pick up all my ugly habits again and AGAIN!  THERE MUST BE SOMETHING I CAN DO TO HELP YOU GOD?!

   ALL that to tell you what GOD revealed to me about SURRENDERING MY CHILDREN.  I am no bible scholar and admit to that!  I share with you from my meager understanding and the voice of God in my heart.

  

Genesis 22: 9-12 NLT

   So Abraham placed the wood for the burnt offering on Isaac’s shoulders, while he himself carried the fire and the knife.  As the two of them walked on together, Isaac turned to Abraham and said, “Father?”

“Yes my son?”

“We have the fire and the wood,” the boy said, “but where is the sheep for the burnt offering?”

“God will provide a sheep for the burnt offering, my son,” Abraham answered.  And they both walked on together. 

   When they arrived at the place where God had told him to go, Abraham built an altar and arranged the wood on it.  Then he tied us son, Isaac, and laid him on the altar on top of the wood.  And Abraham picked up the knife to kill his son as a sacrifice.  At that moment the angel of the Lord called to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”

   “Yes,” Abraham replied. “Here I am!”

   “Don’t lay a hand on the boy!” the angel said, Do not hurt him in any way, for now I know that you truly fear God.  You have not withheld from me even your son, your only son.”

   What does God want from me?  The same thing he wanted from Abraham.

  

   Was it a test to free Abraham from idolatry, (worshiping of his son), a test of his obedience and devotion to God?  Remember I am not a bible scholar.  That is how the scripture spoke to my heart.

 He wants me to SURRENDER MY CHILDREN. God wants me to fear, trust and have HIM first in my heart, nothing before Him, no idols.  I became to see that they are idols in my heart.  Look at the passionate measures God used with Abraham! Can you imagine the emotions, the conversation, thoughts, fear and pain as both Abraham and Isaac journeyed up that hill! The agony! It seems like a terrifying lesson in entrusting my loved ones to him!  I can’t tell you why God didn't take me up the Mountain, like he did with Abraham (figuratively speaking).  I wish I would have learned these lesson years ago!  Maybe God knew I would not be receptive? Maybe He tried?  Maybe I should just stick with today and have a COOPERATIVE SPIRIT on the work HE is trying to accomplish TODAY!

HE WANTS A SPIRIT OF COOPERATION!  

   I hand over my loved ones to HIM, into HIS perfect care.  I Surrender my control AGAIN. When God tells me to do something, I would be wise to have a Spirit of Cooperation.  Let HIM; save, protect, teach, direct and restore relationships.  God has told me to sit, wait and be still. STOP TRYING TO CONTROL. HE IS IN CHARGE AND SOVEREIGN. That is a promise!  When God promises I should believe it!  He is not a liar! HE WILL MAKE A WAY.

    Then Abraham looked up and saw a ram caught by its horns in a thicket.  So he took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering I place of his son.  Abraham named the place Yahweh-Yireh (which means “the Lord will provide”).

Genesis 22:13-14

Faith is the confidence that  what  we hope for  will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

Hebrews 11:1 NLT

Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living.  Wait patiently for the Lord.  Be brave and courageous.  Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

Psalm 27: 13-14

 He said in the land of the living!!!!

Prevention Plan for Surrender pick- up relapse

Daily Worship and His Word.

Filling my mind with His promises, His voice, His direction.  Giving thanks for what He is doing, promised to do and what He has done in the past.  Remembering how He has shown himself trustworthy.  Confess my need for Him.  Confess my need to surrender Everyday, every hour, every minuet.

 AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!