SURRENDERING MY

 “FIX-IT JOB”

 FOR UNEMPLOYMENT

Every day I check the employment adds to see if anyone is hiring.  Today was no different.  I would really like a job.  I could financially really use a job!  I saw nothing and felt frustrated.  Then, once again I was reminded by God that I should embrace this quiet time and use it.  He reminded me of spending time with HIM in word, prayer and journal(my blog). He reminded me to TRUST HIM.  Then, something happened that packaged my thoughts for today’s blog!  I love it how God uses situations in our lives to tie it all together.

   I am a fixer.  If there was a job as a FIXER I would be a millionaire!  Job description; Mend and repair, patch up and glue. Well you are right, there are repair men.  That is not the fix- it job I am taking about. I have this strong compulsion to fix everyone’s (mostly adult children’s) problems.  I get busy thinking, solving and even springing into action!  DOING what needs to be done.  I physically get anxious inside.  I feel like I have a deadline to accomplish a project! I need to fix the problems and the people!

   As I write this I hear myself and I see your eyes rolling.  I know!  It is controlling, interfering, taking over. BUT SOMEONE SHOULD FIX THIS! Sometimes I wonder if it is in their ability to fix it and they must need my help! Ok I see your eyes roll again!

   My daughter is in a difficult place in life.  Jobless, without a car, money, direction and I am sure feels a little hopeless and overwhelmed.  So today I wanted to FIX IT! She did not appreciate my “encouragement, ideas, and direction”.  She became grumpy and I became hurt because look I am just trying to help you know…FIX IT!

   As I took her home I wanted to go into a speech of how I was trying to help and she should not be grumpy with me; the one who is trying to help her!  THEN IT HIT ME; WITTY!  WHAT IS THAT TO YOU!  Recently I read that quote from a Kay Warren Book.  MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.  What is my business since I am unemployed?

FOLLOWING JESUS IS MY BUSINESS!

  That is my job!

   I love the story of Martha and Mary.  I resonate with Martha and her heart.  I too would have been sweeping the floor, baking bread, polishing the pewter etc, etc. SOMEONE NEEDS TO FIX IT.  Jesus was coming for a visit! There were things to be done and Mary needed to be doing something Martha thought.  I think I can almost imagine Martha telling Mary how to get a job!  Martha like me found fix- it to be her job. Fix tangible problems and people!    

But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details!  There is only one thing worth being concerned about.  Mary has discovered it and it will not be taken away from her.”

Luke 10 41-42

   ONE THING is what HE said.  Only one thing is worth being concerned about.  That is what the Lord spoke to me about today.  Oh Lord, I want to be unemployed from the FIX-IT job!  How I must hurt the ones around me when I take over, control and try to fix-it!  They must feel as if I think they are not capable.  But the real truth is I CAN”T FIX-IT!  There is only one person who can fill the job description of FIX-IT ALL.  I am not God.  I need to stop trying to take over HIS job and get out of HIS way so HE can move.  

My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”

And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”

Psalms 27: 8

   So we have all heard the story, and today I am reminded to me a Mary.  That is what the Lord wants. 

Mary sat at the Lords feet, listening to what he taught.

  Luke 10:39

   So today Lord I except this unemployment and SURRENDER MY FIX-IT JOB to you.  I do love resting at your feet.  I do treasure what you teach me.  I desire your refreshment and peace.  I kneel at your feet and worship you.  I know you will fix all and do far better of a job than I could ever do.

The ONE thing I ask of the Lord-

the one thing I seek most-

  is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,

 delighting in the Lords perfections and meditating in his temple. 

For he will conceal me there when troubles come;

 he will hide me in his sanctuary. 

Psalms 27: 4-5

I Surrendering The Reaction to Rejection

 and I go to war with my Sword!  

Have you ever experienced rejection?  I am sure each of us can recall a time in life when we felt; dismissed, turned down, felt useless.  Depending on who the rejection comes from, it can be easier or harder to get beyond and move though.  However if you have been rejected by someone you love it can be unbearable piercing pain. THERE IS NOTHING MORE PAINFUL THAN A LOVED ONE THAT WITHHOLDS LOVE AND REJECTS YOU.  OUCH!

   Christ has suffered all and knows how we feel.  He suffered rejection from His own people.  “He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him.”  He loved them.  His heart must have desired, hungered and yearned to be accepted by them.  He was rejected by his own brothers. Christ experienced rejection.

    Last night in my prayer time I was able to understand, that was what I was feeling! REJECTION.  God began to communicate to me how a lifetime of feeling rejected has weighed me down!  It wasn't REJECTION that had a grip on me.  It is my REACTION to the REJECTION that was holding me captive!

   The background is years of “feeling” rejected.  Whether I truly was rejected or it “FELT” like rejection doesn't matter.  In my heart I began to keep a list of rejections, and it all added up to MY LACK OF WORTH. 

   Numerous times I have been rejected (LOVE WITHHELD by LOVED ONES).   Thankfully my mother did not believe in abortion due to the fact I was an accident.  I was never really wanted and told many times of my inconvenience to her; Rejection. Ouch!  Later in life I was told I was no longer wanted in the family and was out of the “family will”.  Rejection; Ouch!  Then I add on divorce; Rejection. Ouch!  Probably the most painful rejection we can experience is from our children. You love, feed, nurture, cheer lead  build memories and hopes for the future, do the best you know at the time.  You greatly fail them and then they reject you. The biggest OUCH!  We are talking REJECTION (Withheld love- don’t want to see or speak to you rejection). OUCH!

   Here is my confession of the REACTION TO THE REJECTION.  I became a hostage to those thoughts.  Hear my thoughts; “You must be no good”, “What good is there in you?”, “If your very own family would disown you, you must be worthless”, “You can’t do anything right”.  Do you hear how the enemy himself took my mind captive and used my pain to further his cause?  I would even stand in the mirror and tell myself how worthless I was.  I would hit and beat myself calling myself stupid and worthless! I would starve myself because I was so hungry for love and acceptance!! We are as sick as our secrets and that is where the enemy wants you! SICK.  Do you hear how the enemy worked his lies in and through me? I want you to know THAT IS SUCH A LIE!  The biggest lie is to believe our Heavenly Father could not love us.  I played right into the enemy’s hands.

   So how do we fight this battle, this stronghold! How do we overcome the reaction to rejection (the enemy filling my mind with the lies that I am worthless and unlovable)?

    First I know who the enemy of this war is. When I hear his lies I won’t take them in! I don’t want to hear his voice!  He is ugly and he thinks he is strong… but I know someone much stronger.  Second, I know his campaign far too well.  I know his strategy and approach. But now I have a battle plan and more importantly I have the tools to put him in his place!

Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor!

Take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Ephesians 6:10-18

   Please read the whole scripture for battle!  Today though, I am focusing on THE SWORD!

   I get this wonderful visual picture of myself holding up the bible and speaking the word of God and the enemy has no choice but to run away with his tail between his legs!  The word of God is TRUTH AND PROMISES TO CONFESS AND FILL OUR MINDS WITH! By filling my mind with His truth, CHRIST renews our minds!

THE TRUTH IS;

THE REJECTED ME

 (and you)

 ARE ACCEPTED

AND CHOSEN!

War is hard work!  You must be brave, vigilant and angry to win!  Every time the enemy fills my head with one of his lies I am going to take a step forward with the SWORD in my hand and SPEAK the truth! Filling my mind and proclaiming the word of God.   

You are a chosen people

The Lord will not abandon his people, because that would dishonor his great name.  For it has pleased the Lord to make you his very own people. 1 Samuel 12:22

HE WILL NOT ABANDON ME, REJECT ME OR DISOWN ME

Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child?  Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?  But even if that were possible, I would not forget you!  See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.  Isaiah 49 15-16

BEYOND ANY FORM OF EARTHLY LOVE!

With my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.  Let all that I am praise the Lord’ may I never forget the good things he does for me.  He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases.  He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies.  Psalms 103: 1-4

HE CROWNS ME WITH LOVE! HE LOVES ME!

You call me by name.   Isaiah 45:3

HE KNOWS MY NAME

You never leave me or forsake me.   Deut. 31:6

HE WON’T ABANDON ME!

   On and On His word is wonderfully filled with the promises of HIS CONTINUAL, NEVER LEAVING LOVE PROMISES! I AM HIS CHOSEN DAUGHTER; HE WILL NOT LEAVE ME OR REJECT ME.  HIS LOVE IS UNFAILING!  I am on a journey to fill my heart with HIS ACCEPTANCE.     

THE LORD WILL NOT REJECT HIS PEOPLE; HE WILL NOT ABANDON HIS SPECIAL POSSESSION

Psalms 93:14

  

  

SURRENDERING 

ALL MY CARES AND BURDENS

FOR A EXTENDED 

THANKSGIVING

I cast all my cares upon you

I lay all of my burdens down at your feet

Anytime I don’t know what to do

I will cast all my cares upon you.

   We live in vision of our local Mall.  It was not even 9pm and the Mall parking lot was full.  With the turkey consumed and pie inhaled people moved from one holiday to another. A community went from THANKSGIVING to GREED in less than a few hours. How sad. How does BLACK FRIDAY happen before it is even Friday?

  My head hit the pillow and I was still FULL OF THANKSGIVING and full from Thanksgiving.  I had managed to survive the day and even felt gratefulness in my heart.

  As Thanksgiving approached, I prepared by CASTING ALL MY CARES UPON HIM. I was aware I would feel moments of loneliness, sadness and loss.  I would be tempted to take on depression and focus on adversity.  Do I feel like SURRENDERING IT?  No, it is a choice.  With broken family relationships and scattered miles I chose to focus on THANKFULNESS instead of the adversities.  I made a choice to not focus on the grey that only darkens the mind. The Sacrifice of Thanksgiving.

I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving

 And call on the name of the Lord

Psalm 116:17

   Then, something so wonderful happened in the morning that anything else was immaterial!

   I took my daughter out for a “Thanksgiving cup of hot spiced caramel cider”. I was looking forward to spending a few minuets with her.  We would not be sharing the traditional dinner together and I know we both were missing family.  We sat talking and sipping.  It was a sweet time.  We shared joy and hurts and hopes.  As I dropped her off to say goodbye she took my hand.  She didn't ask.  It was an unexpected move of the spirit and sacrifice of thanksgiving.  If you were to know this young woman’s life, her pain, her loss, her struggle, you would be amazed, speechless and in admiration.  She took my hand and prayed for me.  SHE PRAYED FOR ME.  She prayed in simplicity for peace, joy and thankfulness.  Then I was able to pray for her.  I was amazed how God gave us both just the right words in such a spontaneous precious moment like this.  HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD.  To bring us to this moment of time when we could call on him and cast our cares on him and give thanks at the same time!  It was a moment I will never forget and always treasure!

   As my head hit the pillow, it wasn't the turkey and pie or the noisy family table card game that filled my mind.  It was those few moments in a cold little car as she took my hand that filled my Thanksgiving heart. 

   It was 8am BLACK FRIDAY, the next morning and my eyes peered out at the same Mall parking lot, fuller than before when the phone rang.  It was my daughter, “Mom, can you come help me I am really sick.  Something is wrong”. 

   We spent the day in doctor office, with tests, blood work, and shots.  No answers and waiting on test as I took her home and tucked her into bed.  At 8pm her eyes filled with tears in pain I made a call to the doctor.  He advised me to take her to the hospital.

    I stood by her in the hospital bed.  I looked down at her slender body and felt numb and helpless.  I questioned in my mind, how does this happen?  How does a sweet young lady become an addict?  What makes her one day decide to put a needle in her arm?  Why?

   I wondered if this could this pain tonight could be part of her detox. Is her body rejecting that she doesn't have the drug in her?  She had just been in a detox unit and has been clean for two weeks.  Unless, has she used again?  Yet, this was nothing like any previous detox. My mind raced.  My mind went back to the prayer in the car.  No, she was clean, clear headed, and sincere in heart and mind.  I was saddened that addiction leads to questioning physical pain and honesty. 

   I kept reinforcing to the doctors and nurses that she could have no addicting pain relievers, she was a recovering addict.  Do you know what it is like for a mother to have to say those words in an emergency room!  To my thankfulness the help we received in that room was full of support, encouragement and praise.  No judgments.

     After many tests, blood work, x-rays and safe pain relievers, she was comfortable enough now to go home and go to sleep.

   BLACK FRIDAY comes to an end as we leave the hospital at midnight.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

   My head hits the pillow once again and still THANKSGIVING in my heart. Thankful she is alive.  Thankful she had wonderful understanding caregivers.  Thankful what was ruled out.  Thankful for hope, peace and a new day tomorrow, Thankful God has a plan.  Thankful He is sovereign.  Thankful my daughter is learning to SURRENDER TO HIM. I am Thankful for her soft heart. I am Thankful she is my daughter. I am Thankful God uses everything in our lives if we INVITE HIM IN. I am Thankful nothing is impossible with HIM.

There is MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR! I have seen my God at work.  I have seen Him be true to his promises.  I know what to do with the anxiety about the unknown test results and the unknown tomorrows. I SURRENDER MY CARES! 

 

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

1Peter 5:7

Cast your burden upon the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.

Psalms 55:22

SURRENDERING ADVERSITY AND CHOOSING JOY

   Last night, or should I say this morning, my husband and I woke up at the same time.

4 am! Wide awake, there we were.  So he began to tell me about the dream he just had.  I won’t go into detail about the dream. I am not sure it is even worthy of analyzing.  This is not the first dream that my husband has had that made me wonder, WHO DREAMS THESE KINDS OF THINGS?  There we were before the sun had even peeped over the hill laughing hysterically!  The bed was shaking.  We couldn't stop laughing.  I could barely breathe.  If that wasn't enough, we both continued in the commentaries and pun possibilities.  It only encouraged his twisted sense of humor and contributed to being now fully awake.  We were unable to return to sleep, until of course the sun had come up and it was time to get up.

   Today was no different than yesterday.  I awake to the same concerns, worries, sadness and problems that I SURRENDERED yesterday and placed on God’s feet.  Yet today I CHOOSE JOY. 

   I use to hate that saying, “most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be”.  It would make me angry!  I had the most difficult time figuring out how to do this.  Even more I questioned how to have JOY, in the midst of a storm?  Honestly, we have all been there (when you wanted to wipe the smile off that face that told you to just Praise the Lord).  You know you have experienced this!

   So what is different today?  Why am I able to set the problems, worries, and sadness all aside and CHOOSE, make up my mind to be happy? It is no secret recipe.  As I have spent weeks on my knees SURRENDERING (and as we talked about yesterday surrendering my surrender).  My load is lighter.  It can’t help but be lighter as you place your cares at HIS feet and allow HIM to be in control. Oh wait there is a formula!

  

   ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR NEED FOR CHRIST

+ FILLING YOUR MIND WITH HIS THOUGHTS AND PROMISES

+ SURRENDER AND RE-SURENDER DAILY

+ CHOOSE TO BELIEVE AND TRUST IN HIS SOVEREIGNTY

 = JOY AND PEACE

Choose this day whom to serve

Joshua: 24:15

I choose NOT to serve the god of worry, distress, anxiety, sadness, grief (________you put in what today holds you back from CHOOSING today whom you will serve.

I CHOOSE TODAY TO SERVE A GOD WHO I TRUST ALL MY CONCERNS WITH!

The Lord will work out his plans for my life, for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.

Psalms 138:8

   Have you ever looked in your bible concordance under ABLE?  I challenge you to do so!  It is full of HIS PROMISES OF WHAT HE CAN ACCOMPLISH!

Examples; He is able to Judge, Able to Deliver, able to save, able to raise, defend, provide, rescue…able, able able.  What is it you need for God to accomplish today? 

HE IS MORE THAN ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH WHAT CONCERNS ME TODAY!

Joy comes in the morning!  I can’t help but smile!

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him!

Romans 15:13 

Surrendering my Resistance

 for a Spirit of Cooperation

   I admit to being a slow learner.  If you have been following my blog you know that daily I make confession of my need to surrender.  That is why my blog is titled My Dangerous Daily Surrender!  So please don’t grow weary in the season of Surrender.  Let us take joy that in SURRENDERING ALL the SOVEREIGN GOD is in charge. Just get out of the way!

   Each blog of mine may start with a confession of sin, struggle and lack of strength to Surrender.  Back to the slow learner part; sometimes I confess and surrender the same thing time and time again.  Do you ever have to do that? I guess you could call it surrendering what you have surrendered!  I am going to call it SURRENDERING MY RESISTANCE.

   That brings me to today. I continue to share real life stories, become vulnerable, in hopes you will be touched and helped in the journey process. You may have been walking with me on this journey the last few weeks and aware of my need to surrender; my worry, fear, anxiety, pain and sadness regarding family. I am thankful that GOD is patient with me and doesn’t give up on my surrendering process.  I truly do lay it all down at HIS feet.  I hand it over and over and over again! 

   Let me be real and honest.  There is one area in my life I continue to lay down, pick up again and again. Today God revealed something very clear to me regarding RESISTANCE TO SURRENDER.  It touches the core of my heart. So here is my intimate description of my CONTROLLING HEART, SELFISH HEART.

   Very early in life I was aware that all I really wanted to do was be a Mother.  I had gifts and talents, yet I never dreamed of any career.  I believed my career was my family.  Now there is nothing wrong with that thought.  The problem was my relationship with my Mother was strained and cruel. So, I vowed to myself I would be the Mother she never was! Some 27 years later I have worked so hard to be the perfect mother I failed terribly!  I was controlling my environment (home) and the people (children), so everyone would be happy and everything would be perfect..  If I did this better than my Mother, they (the children) would love me.  I wanted to be worshiped as the great mother, and I worshiped them!  They were my value, identity and self worth.  Sadly, I now see the big jobs I place on them.

   I never understood as one daughter informed me that I was the most selfish person and that it was always about me.  Of course I was hurt and defensive with that statement.  My initial reaction was how can that be?  My entire life was about being the best mother.  How could that have been selfish?  Then it hit me, like a brick, she was right!  It was all about me.  Not really about these little precious lives.  It was all about ME being the perfect mother.  ALL THE FOCUS WAS ON ME DOING IT RIGHT.

   As the children grew and left the nest it only enhanced my loss of value and identity.  I had such guilt over the divorce and other wrong choices I felt if I was “more involved” in their lives it would make up for any earlier pain and I would be considered THE BEST MOTHER.  Once again I have been SELFISH, only thinking about me. Young lives need to feel like they are independent, finding there own way and breaking away from family.  Even if the decisions they make are wrong, then they have made them.  Then they will learn from them.  I had, (ok have) a difficult time letting them make mistakes and feeling their consequences.  I just want to rescue and fix!  That is what any “perfect” mother would do.    I just want to be this picture of Mother and Daughter relationship that I never had.  And by gosh we will have it!  DEMAND, CONTROL, SELFISH.  After all they are my identity (sick thinking)!  

   I am here to tell you controlling under the best intentions does not work. I did not do it better than my mother. I now have a broken mess that creates pain. So much pain that I can do nothing but SURRENDER. I have tried to make amends and even been controlling in that! I have no options but FAITH, BELIEVING and CONFESSING that GOD HAS A SOVEREIGN PLAN and HE restores and heals. I have only to be still, sit, and wait.  Don’t you hate when anyone tells you to wait?! I do believe this is what God asks of me, but I am IMPATIENT! I want what I want!  I want relationship with my children and grandchildren. In my impatience I RESIST TO SURRENDER! I pick up all my ugly habits again and AGAIN!  THERE MUST BE SOMETHING I CAN DO TO HELP YOU GOD?!

   ALL that to tell you what GOD revealed to me about SURRENDERING MY CHILDREN.  I am no bible scholar and admit to that!  I share with you from my meager understanding and the voice of God in my heart.

  

Genesis 22: 9-12 NLT

   So Abraham placed the wood for the burnt offering on Isaac’s shoulders, while he himself carried the fire and the knife.  As the two of them walked on together, Isaac turned to Abraham and said, “Father?”

“Yes my son?”

“We have the fire and the wood,” the boy said, “but where is the sheep for the burnt offering?”

“God will provide a sheep for the burnt offering, my son,” Abraham answered.  And they both walked on together. 

   When they arrived at the place where God had told him to go, Abraham built an altar and arranged the wood on it.  Then he tied us son, Isaac, and laid him on the altar on top of the wood.  And Abraham picked up the knife to kill his son as a sacrifice.  At that moment the angel of the Lord called to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”

   “Yes,” Abraham replied. “Here I am!”

   “Don’t lay a hand on the boy!” the angel said, Do not hurt him in any way, for now I know that you truly fear God.  You have not withheld from me even your son, your only son.”

   What does God want from me?  The same thing he wanted from Abraham.

  

   Was it a test to free Abraham from idolatry, (worshiping of his son), a test of his obedience and devotion to God?  Remember I am not a bible scholar.  That is how the scripture spoke to my heart.

 He wants me to SURRENDER MY CHILDREN. God wants me to fear, trust and have HIM first in my heart, nothing before Him, no idols.  I became to see that they are idols in my heart.  Look at the passionate measures God used with Abraham! Can you imagine the emotions, the conversation, thoughts, fear and pain as both Abraham and Isaac journeyed up that hill! The agony! It seems like a terrifying lesson in entrusting my loved ones to him!  I can’t tell you why God didn't take me up the Mountain, like he did with Abraham (figuratively speaking).  I wish I would have learned these lesson years ago!  Maybe God knew I would not be receptive? Maybe He tried?  Maybe I should just stick with today and have a COOPERATIVE SPIRIT on the work HE is trying to accomplish TODAY!

HE WANTS A SPIRIT OF COOPERATION!  

   I hand over my loved ones to HIM, into HIS perfect care.  I Surrender my control AGAIN. When God tells me to do something, I would be wise to have a Spirit of Cooperation.  Let HIM; save, protect, teach, direct and restore relationships.  God has told me to sit, wait and be still. STOP TRYING TO CONTROL. HE IS IN CHARGE AND SOVEREIGN. That is a promise!  When God promises I should believe it!  He is not a liar! HE WILL MAKE A WAY.

    Then Abraham looked up and saw a ram caught by its horns in a thicket.  So he took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering I place of his son.  Abraham named the place Yahweh-Yireh (which means “the Lord will provide”).

Genesis 22:13-14

Faith is the confidence that  what  we hope for  will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

Hebrews 11:1 NLT

Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living.  Wait patiently for the Lord.  Be brave and courageous.  Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

Psalm 27: 13-14

 He said in the land of the living!!!!

Prevention Plan for Surrender pick- up relapse

Daily Worship and His Word.

Filling my mind with His promises, His voice, His direction.  Giving thanks for what He is doing, promised to do and what He has done in the past.  Remembering how He has shown himself trustworthy.  Confess my need for Him.  Confess my need to surrender Everyday, every hour, every minuet.

 AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!

 SURRENDERING

 FOUL

FOR AN EARLY

 THANKSGIVING

FOUL FOR FOWL

   Last night was my weekly support group for families dealing with addiction.  The purpose of our group; support and encourage one another, learn about the disease and how to enable in healthy ways and how to take care of ourselves.  You see it is a disease that destroys the whole family not just the one suffering. So there is a great need for us to come together

   The room is small; it seats about 25 to 30.  I want to tell you every chair was filled.  Part of me feels saddened that we have this many people, on the other hand thankfully we have this many in out group.  I know there are so many more out there suffering and don’t know about support groups.

   I look around this room filled with people I now call friends.  Some of us have been attending this group for five or more years. That would be me.  Five years ago when I started attending we went around the room and introduced ourselves and who we were concerned about.  I remember hearing some say they had been coming to the group for over five years and that angered me.  Never would that be me!  My daughter would recover and live a healthy life. 

   Last night we our typical introductions; who we are, who we are concerned for, and what do we hope to get out of tonight.  I listened and hurt from the families. Stories of relapse, jail loved ones, death and fear of death.  Not knowing where your loved one is and if you will finally get the dreaded call from the morgue in the middle of the night   Tears, fear and anger shared.  Even laughter has happened in the middle of pain.  We have become bonded.  

   Yes, five years later I still sit there with many others. I myself am taken off guard that I still sit here, still feel such pain, frustration, anger and inadequacy to fix the problem and save my loved one. Angered we can’t control them or this disease. Learning I can't control or fix.  We are hurt in our very gut, and find it is difficult to breath.

  Almost everyone talked about the holidays approaching and our lives are certainly not like the Norman Rockwell picture.  There is no picture I could paint that you would give you a visual understanding unless you lived this FOUL NIGHTMARE. But it is not a nightmare; it is real life for us. FOUL; Filthy, entangled, detestable, disagreeable, stormy, treacherous, unfair, abusive and offensive, repulsive, obnoxious, horrible and hateful disease that robs families and lives of their health, joy, peace and hope.

   How to do we have hope and Thanksgiving?  Once again I have no other option than to believe and confess the Serenity Prayer;

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change; the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Once again I am left to surrender the pain of this FOUL disease and all that it brings at my SOVEREIGN SAVIORS feet.  What other alternative do I have but to lean on HIM and confess what HE has promised?

God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

1 Cor. 1:3-4

God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.

Psalm 46:1

For God has said, “I will never fail you.  I will never abandon you.”  So we can say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear.”

Hebrews 13:5-6

   I left the meeting with THANKSGIVING IN MY HEART.  I still had no idea how I would spend the actual non Norman Rockwell day.  However, in my heart I held much to be thankful. 

I am Thankful for my FAITH   Some may say as taught by twelve step programs, “their higher power”…I boldly say my higher power is JESUS CHRIST. Without HIM I would lack hope.

I am Thankful for this GROUP.  I express my great gratitude to leaders and friends that walk this road with me and bear one another’s burdens. We can not and should not ever try to do this alone.  God created us for fellowship with others and to bear another burdens.  WE NEED EACH OTHER.

Thanksgiving came early; it came in a little room in a house filled with hurting people in need.  Thankful for another day, Thankful we still breath, Thankful there is always hope, Thankful we are not alone.

  

Ingratitude, One of the Greatest Sins

"The Prophet Joseph said at one time that one of the greatest sins of which the Latter-day Saints would be guilty is the sin of ingratitude. I presume most of us have not thought of that as a great sin. There is a great tendency for us in our prayers and in our pleadings with the Lord to ask for additional blessings. But sometimes I feel we need to devote more of our prayers to expressions of gratitude and thanksgiving for blessings already received. We enjoy so much.                                                          

Ezra Taft Benson, quoted in Henry B. Eyring,     

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

  I GIVE THANKS FOR MUCH..

AND SURRENDER THE FOUL! 

I surrender my guilt 

and shame 

and 

TAKE THE GIFT!

   I find it very easy in life to forgive people that have wronged me. There is just one person I find it nearly impossible to forgive.  MYSELF.  I am my worst enemy and judge.

   There is no doubt I have made many mistakes in life.  The consequences of my errors stare at me daily. Look how black and white, all or nothing my thinking is! I have a list: Divorce-failure-guilty, Hurt children-failure as a mother-guilty, Career-jobless-failure as a worker-guilty.  I could go on and into great detail in each of these areas how I miserably failed. But I hurt from my failures and some days I can’t seem to shake the guilt and almost feel the need to beat myself up!

   Why do I feel the need to wound myself up over and over for my offenses? Well, let's not forget yesterdays blog about the enemy and him wanting us to feel wounded, hurt and guilty. 

Honestly, there are many things I did right and good! I know this. Why can’t I focus on those instead of beating myself up continually for the wrongdoing?

   Then I am continually trying to do it better, be a better person, trying to earn forgiveness.  What is really sad is JESUS already paid a very large price to free me of my sin, bondage, brokenness and guilt.  Please lord make that very real in my heart. HE bought and paid for the gift of FORGIVENESS for me and I don’t accept it!  What person in their right mind would do this?  TAKE THE GIFT! DON’T GIVE IT BACK He doesn't want it back!  ACCEPT IT!

   Today God spoke to me with a soft voice in prayer, His word and devotion time.

Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and HE knows Everything!

1 John 3:30 

   No details of our lives are hidden from HIM.  He knows our failures; he knows our pain and grief. He views us through HIS EYES OF GRACE. I rejoice that HE understands me completely and loves me perfectly

If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth.  But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us from all wickedness.

1 John 1:8-9  

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

 Ephesians 4:32  

BE KIND TO YOURSELF, TENDERHEARTED AND FORGIVE YOURSELF. CHRIST HAS!

FORGIVENESS

is not something we do for OTHER PEOPLE. 

We do for it for OURSELVES

GET WELL

AND

MOVE ON!

I Surrender My Feelings 

and Give Thanks

For What HE Has Promised!

I depend on the Holy Spirit to lead me though this day. Literally! As I awoke I knew the weight of my world was front and center on my mind. As I went to prayer I was aware that it could possibly be one of those days that I would need to surrender my feelings over and over. Now those of you who don’t really know me let me give you some insight.  I have struggled through out my entire life with feelings dictating my actions and day. I use to hate when someone would say, “you have a choice how you feel”.  I would want to slap them!

   Today: I am discouraged, I hurt, and I am lonely and lack hope. So I could walk around in doom and gloom or I can make a choice to Surrender my feelings and cry out to God. Do you think God can help?  Do you think!  Well let me tell you how he DOES!

  I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.  He freed me from all my fears.  Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.  In my desperation I prayed and the Lord Listened; he saved me from all my troubles.

Psalm 34: 4-6

  

   I wasn’t going to go to Ladies bible study today.  My excuse was: my heart was so heavy and maybe I should just stay home and spend time alone with God.  I fought back and forth for a good hour on what to do.  Finally I had come to the conclusion to just get in the car and go.  If anything, it would take my mind off the hurt in my heart.  Have you ever been so heavy at heart that you feel frozen and you need to just do something?  That was me, but little did I know there was a bigger reason God wanted me there!  I LOVE HOW GOD USES EVERYTHING IN OUR LIVES!

   Once again NOTHING I can say can confirm the presence and power of God and his word (YES HE DOES HELP) like his very own words.

   Just as Samuel was sacrificing the burnt offering, the Philistines arrived to attack Israel.  But the Lord spoke with a mighty voice of thunder from heaven that day, and the Philistines were thrown into such confusion that the Israelites defeated them.  The men of Israel chased them from Mizpah to a place below Beth-car, slaughtering them all along the way.  Samuel then took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah.  He named it Ebenezer (which means “the stone of help”), for he said, “Up to this point the Lord has helped us!”

1Samuel 7: 10-12

   So here is my lesson for today.  Oh me of little faith.  Just when I am once again about to “give up” on my family, my circumstances and surrender to my feelings, God with a mighty thunderous voice said to ME, “I have been your help thus far have I not?”

   OH AND THERE IS MORE!

   For you are God, O Sovereign Lord.  Your words are truth, and you have promised these good things to your servant.  And now, may it please you to bless the house of your servant, so that it may continue forever before you.  For you have spoken, and when you grant a blessing to your servant, O Sovereign Lord, it is an eternal blessing!”

 2 Samuel 28-29 

   God is trustworthy.  He has promised Good things to me (and to you). His word is truth. How clear is that!  I can relinquish my control and FEELINGS over to him in full confidence.

Oh Lord I store in my heart the knowledge that you THUSFAR YOU HAVE BEEN MY HELP!  I remember so many times from the past you have rescued me from my circumstances.  You are a God who PROMISES to DO GOOD THINGS for me. I will store in my heart your promises to do GOOD for me.  So, I can call on your promises instead of surrendering to my feelings.

God’s Will for us is good (Rom. 12:2)

God’s Purpose for us is good (Phil. 2:13)

God’s Work in us is good (Phil. 1:6)

The Hope God has given us is good (2 Thess. 2:16)

The Works God created us for are good (Eph. 2:10)

The Fight God called us to win is good (1Tim. 1: 18-19)

The Fruit God produces in us is good (Jas. 3:17)

The Gifts God gives us are good (Jas. 1:16)

God equips us with Everything good (Heb. 13:21)

God works all things together in our lives for Good (Rom. 8:28)  

(These verses came from the Beth Moore study: David seeking after God’s heart)

  

Ralphy surreners his fear of Scut Farkus!

  Do you remember the movie, “Christmas Story” with Ralphy?  Every day Ralphy, his brother and friends would hide and run in fear from the ugly big red headed bully known as Scut Farkus!  First of all who would name their son Scut and why was Ralphy so afraid of  him and his pathetic little army?  Do you remember the little guy that was his partner in crime? Day after day they were taunted by Scutt and his feeble soldiers and one day he had ENOUGH!

   For six long years my daughter has been plagued by the enemy. She accepted Christ when she was a little girl and we brought her up in the church.  How could this happen?  He has destroyed my daughter’s life in the form of addiction! A sickness that takes more than the one stricken, it takes the whole family! The whole family is sick, in pain and broken. We are right where the enemy wants us. We are tired, hurt, angry, hopeless and full of misery.  Obviously in this state we are unable to do battle and are ineffective.

   Today I am like Ralphy. I have had ENOUGH! Why have I been such a coward?  Why am I so afraid of this enemy?  Why have I been so lazy in the fight?  I have surrendered a white flag time and time again to whom? The pathetic ugly satan.  I purposely don’t capitalize his name because I don’t give him credit for being that big.  ENOUGH I say!  Today I put on my big girl panties, I get tough, I pull up my boot straps and I like Ralphy reach my limit and I SNAP!  Don’t you get a feeling that is exactly what happened to Ralphy.  He put up with it for so long and then he snapped!

  I have wrestled with this demon for too long.  Why does it feel like evil prevails? Why?  I have been a coward.  There I stood in the midst of a battle and just like Ralphy I ran and hid. I let satan win. Time after time I have let him win because I was to afraid, blind, or lazy to do the battle.  Today I am swinging, punching, kicking, swearing, spitting and telling him how ugly he is. My face is red with fury. My tears flow from pain and rage.  Just like Ralphys friends and Mother, who tried to pull Ralpy off of Scut no one could stop the out pour of rage and pain that flow from my lips. I call satan every name I can think of; Robber of lives, destroyer of families, killer and murderer of hopes and health: revolting menace, worthless slime.  When I could no longer find any rancid names to call him I laid in a pool of tears crying out to GOD.  God I don’t want to surrender in the warfare, I want to surrender to you!

   How and why did I get to this point (of loosing it)?  I failed to remember something very important.  No words of mine can say it any better than the powerful word of God.

Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.  For we are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

   Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil.  Then after the battle you will still be standing firm.  Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness.  For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.  In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.  Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion.  Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers  

Ephesians 6:10-18

I forgot about the weapons, the warfare and who is bigger!

Lord help me! I don’t want to be like fearful Ralphy and one day snap.  Help me to DAILY put on the whole armor and fight the battle with courage. I know the winning commander and who has final victory.  I rebuke you satan.

Skut Farkus go home!

I surrender all

 to the voice

 in the middle of the night.

   I fight often with insomnia.  This weekend was no different.  As I laid my head on the pillow I did have so much on my mind.  One of my loved ones was missing.  I had made all the phone calls and searches I could for that day.  My heart was heavy and already I was making a mental list of what I could do when the sun came up.  I could do nothing more.  Oh I could have, and it would have appeared I was out of my mind!  I had thought of getting in my car and pounding on doors.  I settled for staying underneath the warmth of my blankets and PRAYING myself to sleep.  That is what I literally did. 

   At 2 am I was awaken by the phone ringing.  There has never been anything good about a phone call at that hour in my life.  In fact, the sound that awakes you is shear alarming.  I assumed it was about my earlier anxiety only to be addressed with a new emergency.  A emergency that was over one hundred miles away!  What could I do?  Once again I did all that I could do, and then laid in my bed, PRAYED and tried to go back to sleep. I tossed and turned and then realized that was not going to happen.  My husband and I made warm milk and took our blankets to the couch where we made a plan of tackling the problems the next day and then realized it was the next day!

   My husband was able to head back to bed and I welcomed the time for further darkness and prayer.  I have learned that it is far better to get up then toss and turn.  I have learned to welcome the opportunity of the dark still night to communicate with my heavenly father. 

   What is it that comes to your heart in the middle of the night?  Is it anxiety, worry, fear, ideas?  Sometimes there is nothing known or any apparent concerns.  Then as I sit in the stillness I have become aware of Gods voice.  This is where I am learning to listen and I now treasure these interruptions of slumber.  I often wonder what it is that God wants to say to me. 

   I admit that my days are busy and I don’t often enough slow myself, stop and take the time to listen. In the quietness of the night God get’s my full attention.  I am learning to stop wrestling with the blanket and to get up and give God my attention. He often brings people to mind and specific ways to pray.  Pain and despair is sometimes so great and I hurt so badly, LIKE THIS NIGHT, that it is His name alone that I cry out to for. I say nothing more than, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.”Sometimes I am overcome by my own faults, mistakes and sin.   I receive comfort, grace, peace and direction. Problems may not be resolved, yet I have found great peace in the storm.

 There is nothing you can usually do in the darkness of the night but pray.  That is exactly where God wands us.  I have no choice but to surrender it all to Him once again.  I have no control, so I rest knowing that the most powerful source of help is in control and has a plan! 

  If I choose to surrender my mind to Him and devote this time to listen, I find it is a special time of communion with my Father. Then I go back to bed and I sleep.      

At midnight I will rise to give thanks unto thee because of thy righteous judgments.

Psalms 119:62 

 “I regret that I have made Saul king, for he has turned back from following Me, and has not carried out my commands.” And Samuel was distressed and cried out to the Lord all night. 1 Samuel 15:11

And it was at this time He went off to the mountain to pray, and He spent the whole night in prayer to God.

Luke 6:12

The girl in the mirror learns the most important lesson in one of her darkest hour.

I surrender my image for the image of Christ.

   For years I have enjoyed walking.  My first apartment and job were only approximately a mile apart.  I was a lonely young woman and still in my heart desired family.  As I walked to and from work, to my tinny studio apartment, I found myself looking in the windows of homes.  I especially liked the evening dusk walk, as curtains were open and you had views into the homes.  My mind would imagine details of the families in these homes.  At that young age in life I assumed a nice home, that was clean with beautiful furniture equaled a loving family.  Some thirty five years later I still like to look in windows and wonder about the families.    I often catch myself as I assume, imagine and judge a house by its cover.  The reality is we know nothing about the heart of the home or the people inside.

   I don’t know if you ever get visual pictures?  I do.  Today I saw myself at a home.  As I stood at the door and began to knock I peered into the home only to see my self reflect in a mirror on the entry way.  There I stood.  I looked well groomed, hair in place and my usual best appearance.  If I were to look a little harder reflected in the mirror would be a middle age woman behind a mask, hiding her heart. I put on an appearance, hoping who ever would answer the door would accept me.

   Years ago I suffered a severe depression. I believe it was due to years of longing to be perfect and desiring to be loved and accepted.  I worked so hard at being perfect enough to be loved.  You may or not be aware how exhausting it is every day to put on a that mask.  It is physically and mentally demanding on ones soul. I became suicidal.  I believed I would never measure up, be good enough and who would love me?

   I ended up in a clinic (a Christ centered Minereth Myer Clinic) that brought me back to health.  I tell you this because I will never forget one of the most important lessons of my life I received at this dark time. As I looked around at the patients and heard their stories I profoundly recognized these strangers.  They were just like me.  A room filled with people filled with grief, guilt, shame, pain, longing and crimes against themselves, crimes against others: SIN. Some were contemplating killing themselves, some contemplating evil on others that had hurt them. I became intensely aware that “there but for the grace of God”.  I am capable of evil. I too had hate in my heart and really wanted someone dead because they had so hurt me!  I am broken, hurting, longing for love and acceptance, imperfect without Christ.

   You may wonder where this all takes me today.  I have been struggling with a hurt that has been caused by a family member.  Honestly, I felt like walking away from this negative, demanding, toxic, controlling and evil person who obviously needs Christ in their life. I should tell them how wrong they are! How mean they are and how hurtful they are.   Then I remembered to look a little deeper in the mirror.

All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God

Romans 3:23

 

Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own?

Matthew 7:4

   I don’t know all the answers.  I do know sometimes we do need boundaries with people.  However if we really want to “be Christ to a broken world” we must understand we are all the same.  Before I can share God’s love to a hurting, suffering person I must first surrender my deception of the woman in the mirror.  I am human, broken and a sinner who has been saved by grace.  Then we can offer to others what we have received from Christ:  New beginning, forgiveness, grace and mercy, acceptance and beauty for ashes.   

  We live in a hurting world with angry, mean, hurting people that need to experience the love and grace of God.

 I don’t’ know what goes on in others homes or hearts.  What I really need to be concerned with is the real woman in the mirror that grace for me is new every morning.

I surrender my false image and Lord I want my mirror to reflect your grace and compassion.

Bless the Lord Oh my soul, and forget not all His benefits.

Psalm 103

My Daily Surrender of Worry

(Anxious, fret, troubled, agonize, loose sleep, fear, discomfort)

   Every day my mind is bombarded with thoughts.  I have been a worrier since day one.  My very first bible verse I was given was Matthew 6: 25-27

   Therefore I say unto you, take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink: nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?

   Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them.  Are ye not much better than they?

   Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?

   In my lifetime I have perfected the art of worry. 

I am not proud of this. Since I was little I suffered with stomach aches, problems with sleep and nightmares’.  I spent hours daydreaming on how to solve problems that “could happen”.  It was no accident God gave me this verse almost the moment I asked him to come into my heart.  You would think some thirty plus years of following HIM I would be able to say, “I conquered that”.  Not so. I am beginning to have some victory!

   As a little girl my world felt so out of control.  I would often hide in my cedar walk in closet and take blankets, pillows and all my stuffed animals.  There I would wait until my father had his usual beers in his chair.  He was a happy drunk.  He was usually an angry mean man until he had his liquid fix. So early on I lived in a world of daydreaming: how to fix it, how to change things, how to control things. 

   Control became the core of my being.  Not intentionally and not welcomed, it became so rooted in my heart that I was unable to stop. It masks itself as; organized, influence, helping, love and concern.  Before I knew, it became a sickness and disease.  Control has destroyed relationships.   It seemed impossible to control my controlling.

   Thankful my Heavenly Father never gave up on me.  I am learning to surrender all worry, fear and lay them at his heavenly feet.  It is truly all that I can do.  I have learned that you can’t change people or situations.  I know that I can only change myself.  I can’t tell you any formula to make this happen in your life.  I can only tell you for me it happened out of brokenness.  The realization that nothing I was doing was working.  When I dropped at the feat of my Father and cried, “I am out of control and I need you to be in control”, that was the beginning.

The righteous cry, and the Lord hearth, and delivered them out of all their troubles.

Psalm 34: 17

   Today I am thankful that when I begin to worry and control my world I get a little “nudge”, I think it is from the Holy Spirit.  I try to immediately get on my knees and cry out to God, where my help comes from. 

Surrendering for me means: bringing the difficulties: Elections, Children, Grandchildren, Marriage, Jobs, Incomes, Economy etc, etc, bring it all to the creator who is the only one IN CHARGE and knows ALL. I am surrendering daily….I am surrendering often.

Today, November 6, 2012 I say YES to God with this journal.

   I believe it is out of brokenness and crying out to God that I have begun to learn about true surrendering. I am finding great peace and contentment as I focus on trusting God and finding gratitude and contentment from all He has done and doing.

   Today with fear and excitement I launch this blog with anticipation of what God will do as I say YES to Him!

   I am an artist at heart, so I have no fear of painting a picture with words. However, I personally know some “English police,” known as editor’s out there who will cringe at my grammatical errors. Rightly so!  Some of them are dear friends of mine. I have often envied their intelligence.  That is a perfect example of what God is speaking to my heart about today: Surrendering what I wish I was like and embracing how God has created me.

   It doesn't matter how smart, how pretty, how rich or how talented we are, what gifts we have and if we can write grammatically correct.  All he wants is a willing heart. He created me and you!  Am I really going to argue with the creator of the universe that he made a mistake in his design? Oh I will make grammatical mistakes along the way, but there is no mistake that God is more than able to use me flaws and all!

   I believe He has a plan for our lives and it is best to have HIM in control rather than me. I surrender my wishes: what I wish I was like and what I wish my life was like.  I surrender my dreams: The family I thought I would have, the house I thought I would have and the job I thought I would have. I surrender it all. I lift my hands high and open my arms wide and say YES GOD to whatever and however you can use me.  I want your plan.  Your plan is so much greater than mine. Use me as you wish.

He is more than able to uses ordinary people in big ways…if we just say YES to HIM!

Isaiah 12:2

“Behold, God is my Salvation.  I will trust and not be afraid; For the Lord God is my strength and song.  And He has become my salvation.”

Psalms 18:30 As for God, his way is perfect