I SURRENDER THE SEASON OF REGRETS

AND SEE MY REALITY IS HIS MERCY IN DISGUISE!

There have been many mornings over the past week when I thought of blogging.  Honestly, I wasn't sure if it was the grey, tiring month of January, or just feeling spiritually dry I had nothing to share. I made a decision not to blog if I don’t feel like it. I am not really a "Depressed" person. I find I blog when God is teaching me lessons through difficult times. Usually, like last night, I awake and can’t sleep.  Something is on my heart.  God begins to speak to me of a work he is trying to do.  That is when I usually write.

  In the past few mornings of devotion time I had actually felt a lack of peace and direction.  I even heard that awful voice that comes in to torture and depress….you know that one?  The one that say’s, “It is your entire fault”, “If only you had____________.”  Oh the month of January.  The winter season of life has come again.

   We all can fill in the blank with regrets.  Things that we have done, choices we made that have natural consequences that seem to change the course of our life. Remember the word; SEEMED.  I want to get back to that later.  My list is long; What if: There was never a divorce, What if; I had been a better mother, what if I had had chosen a long time career path and had years of work experience, What if; I had saved better for my future, What if: I never, What if; I had, What if…What if …What if?

   I can spend days emotionally beating myself.  Why do we (I), think it will help to visit regrets? Why do we feel it is important to punish ourselves over and over?  Someone should hurt over this mess! 

Two things have occurred to me;

1. There is nothing I can do about the past.  Acknowledge it happened, learn from it, seek forgiveness and then forgive self.
2. Accept my reality.

   Neither of these two things is easy!

   For me I believe it is harder to accept my reality.  We all have our dreams of how it will be.  It is stuck in my mind.  The dream, the plan, the desires, wishes. FILL IN THE BLANK________.  I dreamed of a long marriage, I dreamed of adult children I would have relationship with, I dreamed of sweet grand babies to hold, I dreamed of financial security, job security.  Normal dreams that are not my reality. And the evil voice torments me AGAIN with, “It is your fault”, “if only you would have”.   

   ACKNOWLEDGE --------------------à ACCEPT REALITY

   It is the in-between; the --------------- that I don’t know how to do.  I understand the goal and want to get there!  I want to accept my reality.  I just don’t know how to get there.  What does that really look like?  It looks and feels painful.  Like a death.  Well it is a death and relearning how to live and create a new reality and be at peace with it.

   The ‘in-between’ is the realization that no one cares if I beat myself up over the past.  I only hurt myself.  I guess I honestly thought if someone would see my grief, could physically see my emotional grief it could and would change outcomes. I know it is a bit of insane thinking!     

   The honest steps of the ----------------à (in-between) look like this to me.  I hope this helps me and you if you are stuck today in the winter season of regrets and what if’s.

·        Every day acknowledge gratitude.  There is always something to be thankful for!  I acknowledge that even though life has not what I dreamed, that GOD has with out a doubt walked with me, saved me, guided me, taught me, rescued me, sheltered me, transformed me.  With out a doubt! Look at the good in life.  Look at HIS provision, care and gifts.

There is no one like the God of Israel.  He rides across the heavens to help you, across the skies in majestic splendor.  The eternal God is your refuge, and his everlasting arms are under you.

 Deuteronomy 33:26-27

·        Plan new dreams.  Life has to move on.  You will do no good and be of no good in this life if you don’t move forward.  God has a purpose in you to fulfill.  If I allow the enemy to torment me and I stay in that place, I will be of no good to the work HE has purposed for me.  I physically and emotionally attach myself to loving people who may not be blood family, but fulfill my family needs of love and belonging.  Not a ‘replacement’, but a fulfillment of a need. Still not easy, but trying to plan new dreams. Examples; Helping a young friend with her wedding (because I was not able to even attend my daughters wedding), or holding a baby, babysitting a baby from a young mom at church, Volunteer.  I am beginning to find “family”. Planning for dinners or lunches with people around the table.  It looks different and it is different.  But it is my reality.

I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord.  “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.  I will be found by you, “says the Lord.

 “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes.

 Jeremiah 29:11-14

·        Plan days of hurt. Honestly, there will be days when the nasty voice comes in, or you just hurt.  We are human.  God know the pain. Honestly I desperately need HIM in those days.  I get on my knees and cry out in honesty to Him.  He already knows it hurts.  He is waiting there to hold us. He is waiting to comfort us.  That is a much better plan then listening to that ugly mans voice and betting myself up.  The great comforter waits to hear our cries.

·        Plan days of hope. HERE IS WHERE THE ‘SEEMS’ COMES BACK TO ME.  There are days where it ‘seems’ like there is no hope; it ‘seems’ like this is the way it will always be. Plan days, moments in prayerful hope of restored dreams.  I confess, I have seen and I believe my GOD is SOVEREIGN!  What seems to be may not really be at all.  God is behind the scenes of this story.  Doing a work far greater than we are aware.  He is the director in charge who knows the final lines in the story. It makes me think of that song, Blessings come through raindrops…HIS mercy in disguise.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.  “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.  For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

 Isaiah 55:8-9

·        Changing my what if’s__________.  What if my greatest disappointments are HIS MERCY in disguise!  The belief that God can use anything, ANYTHING in our lives to glorify Him.  I begin to say, “What if this is God’s mercy in disguise.  How exciting is that! 

I hold HIS hand in trust,

I yield to the director’s creative work

 He is guiding,

showing me,

 step by step.

He has a plan.

You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.  Whom have I in heaven but you?  I desire you more than anything on earth.  My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever

Psalm 73; 23-26